Y U No Like My Party

Time to re-emerge from the bowels of social disgrace and throw a party!

This is an Invitation to REMEMBER GRUNGE- The Celebration 

Where: My apartment
When: Tomorrow
Time: 6:30 pm till forever

Those who were born in the early 1980s loved Cobain instead of Bieber-the only man who didn’t make long hair gay. They wore baggy jeans instead of spandex jeans that were much kinder to their testicles. They wore long sleeved shirts inside short sleeved shirts and another long sleeve shirt outside their short sleeved shirt, because it was just so freaking cool.

It was a time when men carried backpacks not handbags and Quiksilver was not just for surfers. Sega, brit pop and center parting instead of apps, k pop and gay parting ruled.

This is a night dedicated to rejuvenating the 90s. Headbang to grunge and glowstick tunes all night long and high five existing and new friends.

There is some booze, but there is never enough in the 90s, so bring something. But most importantly make sure you throw on that coolest 90s outfit hidden in your closet you’ve been waiting to wear again.

I sent that invite out to all my friends on facebook.  I’m the only one attending.  I don’t necessarily think the problem is because the party sounds like it is going to suck but because everyone has unfriended me on facebook.

Get Back Where You Belong!

Ever been daydreaming while driving on a highway, then when your senses kick in you realise that for the last 10 minutes you were driving behind some asshole who was driving at 30kmh?  It happens to me all the time and I hate it!

To help us all, here is a table for all the drivers in Malaysia so they know how to GET BACK WHERE THEY BELONG.

Left Lane

You drive according to the speed limit.

You have stuffed animals lined up like lemmings covering your entire rear windscreen.

Modified Malaysian cars with transformers badges

Grandpa cab drivers who have escaped from the old folks homes.

Women.

Your dad who refuses to admit he has glaucoma.

Motorcyclists so I can mow you over while you try to pass me on my blind side.

You are boring and like math.

Hot chicks so I can check you out while I overtake you.

 

Middle Lane

You drive at least 30% above the speed limit.

You want to check out the girl in the car behind you and impress her with your above the speed limit driving skills.

You want to get to your destination quickly but don’t want to die in the right lane.

You are prepared to bribe police officers and have bribed police officers before.

You are embarrassed about your car (because no one cares about people in the middle lane).

 

Right Lane

You think your manual Proton hatchback is as fast as a Porsche.

You have hundreds of speeding tickets and do not pay them.

You drive any European car and behave like a cock.

You think it would be fun and affordable to crash.

You want to score with the girl in the car with you.

You brag about being able to drive from KL to Penang in 2 hours.

You think Castrol engine oil makes your car go faster.

You have too many golf club membership stickers on the windscreen of your stupid European car.

You like to impress your friends with wheel spin.

Mythical Demonic Lane

BMW X6s’ because every time I see one blaze by me I think Batman is behind the wheel and Gotham City is in trouble.

You are a cock in a neon green Lamborghini.

My name is Gusto…Dolce..Gusto. And I’m a Cock.

Single serve espresso capsule machines have been popular among those who want quick, no mess, quality espresso based coffee drinks at the touch of a button in the convenience of their own home.  The technology behind it has been around for awhile, particularly the mechanism of inserting pods or capsules sealed with ground coffee, into a machine that subsequently pierces the capsules, pumps hot water under high pressure so that a shot of espresso is brewed in a matter of seconds.

Nestle in collaboration with traditional coffee machine manufacturers such as Krups, Delonghi and Philips launched a line of machines around 2000 under the brand name, Nespresso.  Nespresso machines gained popularity through their appealing and exclusive marketing strategies which included setting up Nespresso boutiques or Nespresso bars.  These were nice looking, modern contemporary designed outlets with a coffee bar, knowledgeable barristers and salespersons, inviting customers to drink or sample at least 16 premium quality capsules called “Grand Crus”.  Customers are then invited to purchase the machines and pods.  The multi colored pods for different coffee roasts and endorsements of the Nespresso brand by celebrities like George Clooney helped catapult the Nespresso brand into popularity.  The brand aimed at a high end luxury market.  These boutiques were the only places you could buy the machine.

Nespresso machine owners were entitled to join an exclusive Nespresso club, allowing them the convenience of purchasing their coffee pods online and having them delivered to your doorstep free of charge.  In fact, the internet is the only way to purchase the Nespresso pods.

Nespresso stood out from the crowd with its stylish marketing design, promoted as premium coffee for coffee aficionados, wannabes or posers- very much like what Apple did with the ipad, iphone and ipods.

I had to join the Nespresso club.  I called George Clooney himself to secure a machine for me.  Its unavailability further amplified the niche exclusivity of Nespresso owners, particularly in Malaysia.  For around 2 years I’ve been marinating in my delusion of bourgeoisie exclusivity with my machine. My romance with my machine was shortlived….

Recently, an unwelcomed intruder has emerged, with only one objective and this is to destroy the very exclusivity that Nespresso has created.  This unwelcome intruder wants to eradicate all barriers of class distinction and segregation in society.  It wants to bring the single serve espresso machines which at one point were only to be enjoyed by a certain cross section of society to the masses.

The name of this intruder is Dolce Gusto….  And I don’t like him…I don’t like him at all because Dolce gusto is an imposter, he’s a thief and a fraud with a stupid name he stole from a greasy haired Italian wrestler or some hairy chested, medallion wearing Lamborghini driving euro-trash.  This is how the douce-bag Dolce looks like…

 

It’s like a Chinese company selling fake Italian high end furniture calling themselves Vicenzo.. except this one looks like a robotic grasshopper.

Dolce Gusto smuggled himself into the shores of Malaysia recently- cloaked as a savior to society by introducing single serve espresso machines to the masses.  Dolce whores himself out at a ridiculously affordable price of RM300 and makes himself available at any generic supermarket in the country.  In other words any commoner purchasing a sack of potatoes to feed his family of 12 famine plagued children can also pick up an espresso machine.

They stack these Dolce Gusto machines like sacks of rice in Tesco, Carrefour and Jusco – quite a contrast to the sophisticated experience of purchasing a Nespresso machine where you almost felt like you had to be invited by the Earl of Knightsbridge just to buy one.

Inherently the Dolce Gustos are identical to the Nespresso machines in terms of function- both deliver a decent cup of coffee, the difference indiscernible to the common coffee drinking poser, like me.

Dolce Gusto’s invasion of this market has made coffee drinking posers like me extremely uncomfortable, distressed and almost disgusted.  We tremble at the thought that our perceived status and reputation in society is extinguished. Nespresso’s niche pretentiousness is going extinct.

While I brag about my Nespresso club privileges to my pretend friends of only being able to purchase my coffee pods with an expensive broadband connection and having them delivered to me fresh from Ecuador,  the common peasants hoping to reload their capsule supply would have to venture to the bowels of supermarkets like Jusco, Carrefour and Tesco, engage in unconstructive conversation with the villagers who work there on precisely where they can pick up these capsules, only to realize that the villager has no idea what the pompous wannabe is babbling about- leaving him stranded and lost amid rude Chinese people with crazed children running amok, foul odourned common folk and crowds of barbarians who speak in medieval dialects.

The sad thing is that although these peasants would have to endure grave difficulty and frustration to obtain their coffee capsules, once they finally succeed in doing so, they will hold their chin up proudly and tell all their friends that they have a Nespresso machine– the Dolce Gusto model.

The True Meaning of Hari Raya

Hari Raya is not about pleading for forgiveness from those close to you, it is not about rekindling bonds between family and friends, it is not about appreciating the sacrifices made for you by people closest to you.  Hari Raya is only about one thing… one thing that reinforces the existence of man……Lemang.

No one really cares about anything else except eating the contents of what can only be described as home-made nuclear rods, or some weapon crafted by the Mayan civilisation to inflict mass extermination on the neighbouring tribe.  There is something very appealing about eating food that only barbarians could have created.  Everything about Lemang conjures up notions of power and strength.  Even the cooking process is like lining up surface to air missiles aimed to demolish Moscow- holding it is like holding pipe bombs or a barrel of a chain gun during World War 2.  In fact, you can’t carry Lemang from the stall to your car without scalding off the skin on your forearms or hands because when they deliver it to you straight off the fire- it is delivered to you straight off the fire.  No one but a well trained commando, seasoned by the Vietnam or Pacific war could purchase Lemang.

Additionally, no one but a navy seal or the leader of the Dohtraki or Klingon race could slice open the Lemang so that people can saviour its glorious contents.  Slicing Lemang requires the strength and precision of a warrior skilled in the use of a blade, a warrior strong enough to withstand shards of bamboo piercing through his skin, flesh wounds on your hands- as that would be an inevitability when one undertakes to slice open the fire breathing bamboo to expose that out of this world glutinous rice contained inside.

Once the warrior has sliced upon Lemang and offers its contents to those around him, its like rewarding your entire army with gold.  The smiles on everyones face, the sight of relief and jubilation after waiting patiently almost an entire year since the last Raya to savour the glory of rice cooked in bamboo klingon style.  That ecstasy and jubilation is what Raya is all about.  It is the only thing Raya is about.  Lemang is king during Raya- even the finest rendang would have to blemish itself into the background, ketupats might as well be fed to the dogs- or cats, since its Raya.  At every Raya dinner or lunch function there will be abundant leftovers of all the other mediocre, inferior foods but Lemang would deplete into extinction, devoured by those who have starved themselves for a whole month-longing for this one day when Lemang is made available.

It is no doubt that Lemang is meant to be made or eaten by those who wish to reinforce their existence as man on earth-as a hint of evilness is injected into every seed of rice.  That evilness is opium or it could be heroin.  It is no question that an addictive drug of that nature has been absorbed into the Lemang to ensure utmost euphoria from those savouring it.  This is obvious because after one afternoon of enjoying Lemang, you will almost certainly pass out due to extreme uncontrollable lethargy for the rest of the day.

Raya is great- only for the reason we get to eat fire breathing home made nuclear rods capable to injecting mass euphoria and subsequent death.

Man Sprints

There is nothing that showcases a man’s power more than engaging in what I call “man-sprints.”  The sight of powerful, intense man-sprints functions to validate the power and dominance of the male species.  It also serves as an aphrodisiac on the opposite sex, instantaneously luring them into your powerful man grips.

I am confident that most of you have seen man-sprints before.  They are common in high octane action films or television programs.  For example, the scenes where an FBI agent is chasing down a suspect, or where a drug pusher is running from an undercover police officer are common examples.  The Amazing Race reality program also showcases dramatic man sprints in effect when the team members are racing to get onboard a flight.  Man sprints are also common in real-life day to day activity, for example, your local machete wielding gang member sprints towards his retreating foe, or in less violent circumstances, the ordinary chivalric good samaritan chasing down a pick pocket.  The common denominator for man sprints is that they all arise out of circumstances of danger and high alertness.

What is clear is that upon observing these dramatic situations which result in man sprints, all men will undoubtedly crave for opportunities to engage into man-sprints of their own, almost to the point that they unnecessarily create moments of danger and high alert just so they can break into man sprints. Understandably men have to do this to reaffirm their intrinsic male power and strength and also to impress those around them, indirectly persuading them of male dominance over humankind.

I certainly had and continue to have this desire.  Allow me to share with you one of my notable attempts at a man sprint.  I was standing on an escalator heading down towards the London Underground train platform.  While on the escalator I heard the train arriving- I must have been at least 60 metres away from the train.  I looked over to my other male friends who were with me and gestured to them that we should all engage in concerted powerful men sprint to get into the train before we miss it. To my surprise and disappointment, my pathetic, shameful male friends glared at me with the most condescending look on their faces- questioning our inherent abilities of speed and power.

Hence I disregarded them and embarked on my man sprint, leaving the weaklings behind.  With sheer agility and power I slid down the railing of the escalator and burst into a dedicated, intense and powerful sprint towards the train. While I was 10 metres from the train’s doors, the warning that the doors were closing had sounded. I simply told myself that there was no way this train would beat my man sprint. I ignored the warnings and like a lion I leapt between the train doors only to have both my shoulders pulverised by the closing doors.  The crushing doors sent me tumbling into the train full of passengers.  The pain in both my shoulders was excruciating, but in the presence of the judgmental commuters of the London Underground, I was not about to allow them to infer that my man sprint had caused me embarrassment and significant injury.  So in a continuous motion I immediately sprung up from the ground and pretended to take a call on my mobile phone as though nothing had happened.  My nonchalant reaction during this fabricated situation of high danger must have been impressive to those around me. More importantly, as the train began to move I glanced out to my helpless friends through the window and for a moment I sincerely believed I was the real Jason Bourne, successfully outwitting and out running the worthless thugs who were chasing him.

For those male readers impressed by such a performance, I strongly recommend that you create a similar situation of high alertness and danger for yourselves so you can engage into an exhilarating, liberating man sprint of your own.

For example, suppose you are with your girlfriend on holiday in a foreign country and the both of you are frantically searching for a bus late at night that would take you back to your hotel.  If you find the bus that would take you back but you’re uncertain whether you and your girlfriend would make it onto the bus in time (as you may be quite a distance from the bus stop), you should transform that situation into a circumstance of danger for yourself so you can use that rare and perfect opportunity to engage into a full man sprint, allowing you to chase down the bus and leap into its rear window, leaving your girlfriend behind in the dust.  In fact while in the middle of your sprint you should throw random obstacles at your trailing girlfriend for good measure.  If you were to decide not to capitalise on that opportunity to chase down the bus and decide to stay behind with your girlfriend instead (who is most likely intrinsically unable to engage into a sprint of equal speed as you), I guarantee that you are shattering your very existence as a man in this universe. The element of high alertness and danger does not require you to provide a cogent explanation to your girlfriend before sprinting off.  On the contrary, the brilliant thing is that your actions in such a situation are justifiable, in fact even admirable.  Your girlfriend instead of being upset with you will simply be in awe of your speed and agility, your instinctive, powerful reaction to the fabricated situation of danger.  She will be thoroughly impressed by how you dominated a situation of high danger and subsequently neutralising it, similar to how the legendary Jack Bauer would. (Every girl loves Jack Bauer).

The mere sight of seeing a man in full sprint devoid of objective excites her as much as it excites you.  Men must accept that it is rare for them to have opportunities where they can behave like Jack Bauer.  It is not often that we have the opportunity to prevent a nuclear arms dealer from escaping the country.  The bottom line is, when any situation remotely presents an opportunity for you to sprint, you must sprint.

On the back of that, if you are interested in developing your man sprint skills, you must only learn from the god of man-sprints, the one and only, unmistakable Tom Cruise.  Tom Cruise’s patented man sprints are so inspiring and unique that he’ll sue you if you sprint too often.  Tom Cruise presents his impressive man sprints in every single movie he acts in from Mission Impossible to Jerry McGuire

But this is certainly not a problem because his man sprints are simply brilliant.  He looks like he can outrun anything.  Observe his commanding posture, his high knee motion, springy kick back and the katana blade-like motions of his swinging arms. The facial expressions, focus, intensity and dedication as well are crucial elements in creating the perfect man sprint.  Tom Cruise nails all of this flawlessly.

I am quite certain that this will either be the stupidest piece of literary work (if you call it that) you have ever read in your life.  For those of you who feel that way, I apologise for wasting at least 5 minutes of your time.  But for some of you who never had the thrill and experience of man sprints (I suppose fat people), I hope this article would inspire you to unleash your genetic god given powers.

“UP” Yours

While most people were weeping away while watching the animated movie “UP”, I was furiously pounding at the television screen with my bare fists for the reason that the movie was not within the acceptable prescribed realms of animated movies. The key reason for this is that the movie was premised upon an 80 year old senile man lifting an entire house with only the assistance of his osteoporosis plagued spine and 1 million helium balloons while trekking across an entire continent.

My grievance is with the fact that there was no explanation as to how this ordinary human being was able to perform such superhuman feats. The audience was made to believe that he’s just a cynical, depressed and aged human being with lost dreams. There were no instances of a spell cast upon him or an asteroid landing in his backyard endowing him with super powers.

I concede that animated films are based on the absurd, but what they have been traditionally based on is an absurdity within certain acceptable prescribed rules. You can have talking cars, talking plants, talking robots and mermaids without further explanation because their operation is within a fantasy world where basic principles of earth as we know it don’t exist. This context is comforting and allows me to continue watching the movie rage free.

But “UP” did not take place in such mythical and imaginative settings. It took place on earth in the dimension we currently live in. The country the old man wanted to migrate to was somewhere in Africa, I believe, his wife and that annoying fat Chinese kid were all ordinary humans as well. The endangered bird creature, the lunatic explorer and the dogs that were able to speak via a device engineered by science which the old man had stumbled upon on his adventure were all believable, earthly elements. The only unexplainable thing was a senior citizen carrying a freaking house!

Now I find that this absurd movie is being nominated for an Oscar. I am curious to discover how fans of animated films are able to embrace this movie.

Managing your Buffet Eating Experience

Buffet eating is a skilled art, requiring deep analysis, quick but precise assessments and patience.  I am certain many of you have witnessed barbaric Malaysians sweeping truckloads of food from the buffet spread onto their plates in embarrassing but shameless jubilation and then discovering that they’ve eaten themselves silly within the first 5 minutes and have been incurred a big wastage charge for the leftovers on their plate.  In fact, some of you might be perpetrators of this grievous offence  as well.

I am going to furnish all of you with a basic rundown of how to optimise your buffet eating experience to ensure that restaurant establishments don’t run to the bank laughing with your greed laced money, while you throw up your dinner outside the restaurant.

Step 1: As far as possible, select buffets which allow you to order an unlimited (but usually regulated) amount off the menu rather than the traditional ones where you have to walk through a buffet spread the size of a football field.

The reason: Walking around the buffet spread wastes precious eating time.  Secondly, the well presented food tempts you to collect unnecessary food on your plate.

Step 2: Arrive early.

The reason: Restaurants ensure that buffets are only effective for a number of hours- usually around four.  Arrive early so you have time to scan the menu, plan your ordering system and maximise the time you have to execute it.

Step 3: Watch out for the set dishes.  Usually for buffets that allow you to order anything from the menu, they’ll serve you a non optional 2 or 3 set dishes as part of the package.  This may be in the form of roast chicken, rice or any other type of food that is high in carbohydrates, rich, heavy but comprising of cheap ingredients.

The reason: These dishes fill you up very quickly.  Before you know it, you’re too stuffed to order anything else from the menu, which was the attracting factor of the buffet in the first place.  If the restaurant achieves this, they’ve ensured you don’t order more than they want you to.

The key to managing these set dishes are to only eat the crucial ingredients of the dish, and to hide everything else on your plate, masking them as scraps so the waiter can clear your plate and the rest of the obstacle dish.  For example, if the dish is lobster in a cream sauce, eat the lobster and waste the filling cream sauce.  If the dish is bland roast chicken breast, hide the strips of chicken breasts on your serving plate so it looks as though you’ve eaten it to mitigate any embarrassment from perceptions of food wastage.

Step 3: Order a wide spread of only the most expensive dishes on the menu.

The reason: When the time comes to order from the menu, select your food based on price.  as the buffet covers everything on the menu it only makes economic sense to eat the best and most expensive dishes.  Usually, this is in the form of oysters, scallops, abalone, lobster, wagyu beef, rib eye, sashimi etc.

A lot of people make the mistake by overloading on just one of the expensive dishes.  For example if they find scallops are most expensive, they just keep ordering scallops.  Firstly, this is hugely embarrassing.  You don’t want to look like a cheapskate even though you really are one.  Secondly, the theory of diminishing utility provides that you’ll feel sick by the 3rd or 4th serving of scallops.  Thirdly, you’re not optimising the array of choice the buffet provides you.

Step 4: Pace yourself, order 3 small dishes at a time (tapas style) in intervals equally spread out within your allocated 4 hours.

The reason: Expensive dishes are usually low in carbohydrates so these won’t fill you up as quickly.  Still, you have to pace yourself well.  Take your time, eat slowly, take breaks of 10 minutes periodically to light up a cigarette and to focus on conversation with your dinner company.  Order 3 dishes of small servings at a time so it doesn’t look like you’re embarrassingly hoarding food on your table.   Then at the last minute of your allocated buffet time, make one last order.

Buffets which allow you to order from the menu are not common.  However even if you’re subscribing to the traditional buffet spread,the same principles enunciated above apply.  the key is not to engage in a challenge with the buffet as this may leave you stepping out of the restaurant feeling bloated and short changed.  Rather you should approach buffets with an appreciation of its generosity, adopting utmost courtesy and and best table manners at all times.  With  this civilised sophistication you may surprisingly find yourself walking away from the restaurant realising you only paid RM180 for a meal worth RM800.

I’m a Quarterback, I’m Popular

Like many other peculiarities, It baffles me as to why NFL quarterbacks have to lick their fingers profusely while trotting over to the  line of scrimmage before initiating a play.

If you ever have the chance, turn to an NFL game on the sports channels and observe the camera on the quarterback, in particular after he disperses from a team huddle and is walking towards his lined up team mates.

This is immediately before  he hunches forward to receive the ball  from what seems like a  large man’s anus.  You’ll notice that at this stage, he would repeatedly lick the fingers on both of his hands.

I can only suspect they do this because  it may assist their grip on the football when they throw it.  That’s fine but don’t they realise the hygiene concerns this habit creates?  Their hands are laced with sweat and dirt but they’re treating them like a strawberry popsicle just so they could get a little more grip on the football.So in this strange American sport, the quarterback makes out with his hands while walking over to an inviting fat man’s butt, then he barks out random numbers, colours, and animal names while repeatedly turning his head left to right before he receives a ball from a man’s anus.  Then he tip toes backwards while patting the ball like a Persian cat before he chucks it down the field.

When the game is over, they put on their caps backwards and start trotting across the field towards the locker room.  Along the way, they’re stopped by media reporters who ask for their comments on the game.  You’ll also notice that during these mini interviews, the quarterback will always begin an answer to any question with..

“Tell you what”, “Yeah” or “You know”…

then they continue with the usual predictable responses, like..

“We gotta keep going out and play hard” and

“It’s all about the win” or

“I don’t care about statistics as long as we get the double u”

there may also be some reference to “a hundred percent”.

..and they wear motorcycle helmets and war paint on their faces.

Malaysia’s Little Pink Plastic Bags are a Threat to Mankind

Everyone who has been in Malaysia will have at one point in their presence here held or bought something packaged in our coveted little pink plastic bags.  If you’re a common merchant in this country this pink plastic bag is a necessary article for your trade.

However, as far as possible, “real” men should in no circumstances whatsoever be caught in public carrying around one those small pink plastic bags.  In today’s modern world, perception is reality, and if a man is carrying around a little pink plastic bag people will almost definitely conclude that you’re carrying banana fritters, fried jack fruit, economy rice packed in Styrofoam or little electrical appliances.  My grievance is not with the monetary value of what these bags usually contain and perception of class that might be imposed on you, but rather the extremely feminine size of the bags and the weight of the items inside.  The look and size of these bags are a threat to mankind.

Men shouldn’t be delicately twirling around their fingers little pink plastic bags with little things inside.  When men carry their purchases it should be with both hands as though they were carrying a box of machine parts or a television set.  Therefore, as far as possible they should carry any plastic bag this way as well.  Although handles have been moulded onto these bags to ease carrying tasks, men should tear them off or ignore its presence and proceed to lift the items as though no such handles were available.

Now the problem with those little small plastic bags is that you can’t carry them as though you’re looting a television set because they’re too tiny and light.  You can’t stuff the little bags in your pockets either because your banana fritters might get crushed.  Obviously, this presents a monstrous problem to mankind.

Quite proudly, I think I have found a solution to this problem by wrapping the pink plastic bag itself around the contents of the bag and grabbing the contents in a fist like manner as though you were crushing a baseball. Or alternatively, you could hold the bag and its contents like you were holding a rugby ball with one hand.  This actually makes whatever you’re holding seem a lot lighter consequently making you look a lot stronger.  It also creates the impression that real men could not care less if their banana fritters or whatever plebeian priced items in the bag was crushed.

In essence, any sort of grip resembling a crushing motion is required when holding small items in little pink plastic bags for the sake of preserving male masculinity.

The Secret to Happiness

It is well published that happiness is relative. For example, most people would rather earn RM50,00o a year when the average income is RM25,000 instead of earning RM100,000 when the average income is RM250,000. (Layard; 2005).

The rationale is that our perception of happiness is inevitably governed by social comparison to the norm experieced by relevant people around us.

It is then commonly proposed that one method for us to continuously ensure a sustainable feeling of happiness is to never compare ourselves to others, or if we have to compare, to compare ourselves down, instead of up.  As an  example, for a young solicitor, happiness based on income is determined by a comparison to the income of the average solicitor in his or her age bracket and seniority.  Similarly, if the average 25 year old businessman is making 20 million, then any businessman that age would use that value as a yardstick to gage his level of happiness. Surely in adopting such an exercise, we will inevitably discover that there are other solicitors or businessmen of our level of seniority who are earning more than us, thus making us feel less happy.

The solution to this for the average businessman and solicitor is to condescendingly compare down, just slightly, to say an average IT technician, or an average credit card salesman, or an average shop assistant manager.

To those of you average technicians, salesmen, assistants or credit card salesmen who are reading this, please do not take offence for being compared to, but instead compare yourself to say an average secretary, legal support staff or dispatch boy. For those secretaries, support staff or dispatch boys, please do not take offence as well but instead compare yourself to the average kuay teow stall hawker, pirated dvd paddler, or common criminal. For those common criminals, hawkers and paddlers please do not object violently. If you’re unhappy, just compare yourselves to the average highway road kill sweeper, garbage man or toilet cleaners. For those road kill sweepers, garbage men and toilet cleaners, well, you could compare yourself to someone who’s dead.

Layard argues that even if our income continues to increase, our level of happiness will never increase concurrently.  However if everyone adopts the outlook towards life and methods of comparisons proposed above, we might not live in half glass, half swimming pool luxury apartments, drive carbon fibre 500 horsepower cars, but I’m quite certain we will be happier than the person next to us.