Man Sprints

There is nothing that showcases a man’s power more than engaging in what I call “man-sprints.”  The sight of powerful, intense man-sprints functions to validate the power and dominance of the male species.  It also serves as an aphrodisiac on the opposite sex, instantaneously luring them into your powerful man grips.

I am confident that most of you have seen man-sprints before.  They are common in high octane action films or television programs.  For example, the scenes where an FBI agent is chasing down a suspect, or where a drug pusher is running from an undercover police officer are common examples.  The Amazing Race reality program also showcases dramatic man sprints in effect when the team members are racing to get onboard a flight.  Man sprints are also common in real-life day to day activity, for example, your local machete wielding gang member sprints towards his retreating foe, or in less violent circumstances, the ordinary chivalric good samaritan chasing down a pick pocket.  The common denominator for man sprints is that they all arise out of circumstances of danger and high alertness.

What is clear is that upon observing these dramatic situations which result in man sprints, all men will undoubtedly crave for opportunities to engage into man-sprints of their own, almost to the point that they unnecessarily create moments of danger and high alert just so they can break into man sprints. Understandably men have to do this to reaffirm their intrinsic male power and strength and also to impress those around them, indirectly persuading them of male dominance over humankind.

I certainly had and continue to have this desire.  Allow me to share with you one of my notable attempts at a man sprint.  I was standing on an escalator heading down towards the London Underground train platform.  While on the escalator I heard the train arriving- I must have been at least 60 metres away from the train.  I looked over to my other male friends who were with me and gestured to them that we should all engage in concerted powerful men sprint to get into the train before we miss it. To my surprise and disappointment, my pathetic, shameful male friends glared at me with the most condescending look on their faces- questioning our inherent abilities of speed and power.

Hence I disregarded them and embarked on my man sprint, leaving the weaklings behind.  With sheer agility and power I slid down the railing of the escalator and burst into a dedicated, intense and powerful sprint towards the train. While I was 10 metres from the train’s doors, the warning that the doors were closing had sounded. I simply told myself that there was no way this train would beat my man sprint. I ignored the warnings and like a lion I leapt between the train doors only to have both my shoulders pulverised by the closing doors.  The crushing doors sent me tumbling into the train full of passengers.  The pain in both my shoulders was excruciating, but in the presence of the judgmental commuters of the London Underground, I was not about to allow them to infer that my man sprint had caused me embarrassment and significant injury.  So in a continuous motion I immediately sprung up from the ground and pretended to take a call on my mobile phone as though nothing had happened.  My nonchalant reaction during this fabricated situation of high danger must have been impressive to those around me. More importantly, as the train began to move I glanced out to my helpless friends through the window and for a moment I sincerely believed I was the real Jason Bourne, successfully outwitting and out running the worthless thugs who were chasing him.

For those male readers impressed by such a performance, I strongly recommend that you create a similar situation of high alertness and danger for yourselves so you can engage into an exhilarating, liberating man sprint of your own.

For example, suppose you are with your girlfriend on holiday in a foreign country and the both of you are frantically searching for a bus late at night that would take you back to your hotel.  If you find the bus that would take you back but you’re uncertain whether you and your girlfriend would make it onto the bus in time (as you may be quite a distance from the bus stop), you should transform that situation into a circumstance of danger for yourself so you can use that rare and perfect opportunity to engage into a full man sprint, allowing you to chase down the bus and leap into its rear window, leaving your girlfriend behind in the dust.  In fact while in the middle of your sprint you should throw random obstacles at your trailing girlfriend for good measure.  If you were to decide not to capitalise on that opportunity to chase down the bus and decide to stay behind with your girlfriend instead (who is most likely intrinsically unable to engage into a sprint of equal speed as you), I guarantee that you are shattering your very existence as a man in this universe. The element of high alertness and danger does not require you to provide a cogent explanation to your girlfriend before sprinting off.  On the contrary, the brilliant thing is that your actions in such a situation are justifiable, in fact even admirable.  Your girlfriend instead of being upset with you will simply be in awe of your speed and agility, your instinctive, powerful reaction to the fabricated situation of danger.  She will be thoroughly impressed by how you dominated a situation of high danger and subsequently neutralising it, similar to how the legendary Jack Bauer would. (Every girl loves Jack Bauer).

The mere sight of seeing a man in full sprint devoid of objective excites her as much as it excites you.  Men must accept that it is rare for them to have opportunities where they can behave like Jack Bauer.  It is not often that we have the opportunity to prevent a nuclear arms dealer from escaping the country.  The bottom line is, when any situation remotely presents an opportunity for you to sprint, you must sprint.

On the back of that, if you are interested in developing your man sprint skills, you must only learn from the god of man-sprints, the one and only, unmistakable Tom Cruise.  Tom Cruise’s patented man sprints are so inspiring and unique that he’ll sue you if you sprint too often.  Tom Cruise presents his impressive man sprints in every single movie he acts in from Mission Impossible to Jerry McGuire

But this is certainly not a problem because his man sprints are simply brilliant.  He looks like he can outrun anything.  Observe his commanding posture, his high knee motion, springy kick back and the katana blade-like motions of his swinging arms. The facial expressions, focus, intensity and dedication as well are crucial elements in creating the perfect man sprint.  Tom Cruise nails all of this flawlessly.

I am quite certain that this will either be the stupidest piece of literary work (if you call it that) you have ever read in your life.  For those of you who feel that way, I apologise for wasting at least 5 minutes of your time.  But for some of you who never had the thrill and experience of man sprints (I suppose fat people), I hope this article would inspire you to unleash your genetic god given powers.

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